As I sit down and do my yearly wrap up, all I can think about is how much of 2018 hit my cons list instead of my pros. I’m going to brush aside all the silver linings, ray of sunshines & take off my rainbow tinted shades for this. This was the year of heartbreaks, breakups and breakdowns for me. & right now I’m walking out of my comfort zone and rainbow bubble, I’m about to break it down for you.
The year started fairly decent, I was looking forward to turning 30 and experience all the wonderful things that life had to offer me. This wasn’t the fairytale turning 30 and reaching a different level of self-love that I had envisioned , this year was an influx of lessons, most of which I wasn’t mentally prepared for.
This year I got my heart broken in the worst way possible, in a way I never thought possible & somehow this impacted every single part of my year. I’m not proud of it (mostly because hello, strong independent woman) but then again, I’ve been known to wear my heart on my sleeve (hello, hopeless romantic).
I learnt that someone can be a fantastic friend, brother and son but that doesn’t mean he’s a good partner. That if someone is a good person, but they aren’t good to you, it can’t be justified by “but he’s a good person” because how you are treated should be priority. That not every person deserves to be loved through pain and mistakes because it’s you who feeds the monster and tells them it’s okay to treat you less. That people can only treat you how you allow them to & you can’t expect the same person who destroyed you to heal you.
This year I broke up with friends. I always believe that the five people you are the closest to are the people you absorb the most from and most importantly, should be the five people who help you grow. As much as my Geng Unicorn has always been a constant (and will always be a constant), with almost every one of them being in a different country, I widened my horizon to meet new people and let them in.
I learnt that I couldn’t just be friends with people on a surface level and I crave friendships that have mutual respect and understanding. I lost some friendships this year but knowing that I can do that yet still wish them well has made a difference to me.
This year I had so many days where I didn’t feel enough. Days I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself and allowing myself to wallow in pity. Then I’d beat myself up about feeling that way because thats generally not who I am as a person.
I learnt that I’m allowed to feel how I feel, that my pain was valid and that it didn’t need to be justified to anyone else. I also learnt that I could pick myself up once I was done feeling & that I had a strong support system to give me a backbone when I wasn’t feeling a hundred percent myself. For this, I will forever be thankful.
This year I travelled more than I usually do & even did my first solo travel. I worked with some big brands that wanted to get this brown babe on board & I’m so thankful for it. I worked with some amazing people on projects and photoshoot, focused a lot more on my art, sold some paintings and donated the money from them to charity.
As I end the year, it’s slowly starting to pick up and the grass is becoming greener because I’ve been watering it after neglecting it for long enough. I’m slowly figuring out what inspires me, how to curate my dreams, how to hold firm to my beliefs and to stop apologising for things I believed in. As I wrap up this year, I am thankful for all the lessons learnt (even the ones that still haunt me).
I’m leaving behind bad vibrations, second guessing, and the inability to see my worth. In 2019, I’m making room for emotional flexibility, personal growth and self love. Here we go all over again, trying to make the best of every single day we’ve been blessed with.
Here’s to a magical 2019.