2019, I’m ready to break up with you. You were the toughest relationship I’ve ever had (with myself). It’s not you, it’s me – I just wanted so much more for myself. I grew in a way that I had to learn, lose & love myself first. I wish we could’ve worked it out and I’ll always be thankful for the lessons you’ve taught me. These lessons; I’ll bring with me for a lifetime.
You taught me that I needed to take breaks when my heart felt heavy. That emotional and mental burnouts happens and I just had to push through it because there’s so much more to life once that’s over. Whether in that moment I believed it or not, my support system is truly amazing & that I am loved. Most importantly, you taught me it was okay for me to feel however I needed to because that too shall pass. That in order to move on, I had to understand why I felt the way I did and why I no longer need to feel it.
You taught me I had to make peace with being the villain in someone else’s story sometimes. That even if I thought I was doing the right thing, I don’t get to narrate other people’s experiences with me. And that its okay to be the bad guy because I have no control over how someone else reacts and I shouldn’t fight that. I can only speak to them, have the important conversation of how I feel & listen to them in return but what they do with the information they’ve been fed is entirely up to them. Anything that has to be forced isn’t worth continuously fighting for and it shouldn’t be that difficult to communicate to begin with. That everyone I cross paths with is a lesson & I am privileged to pick who I keep in my life. Those that I don’t, I still wish them well & hope life is kind to them.
You taught me that red flags are so very real and shouldn’t be ignored. That the Universe always has my back. Having been stuck in an “it’s complicated” & being cornered into a position where I had to see someone for who he truly was broke me, but it also made me realise when people show you who they truly are, believe them & not the idea of what you’d like them to be. Romanticising someone else based on who they were to me as opposed to who they actually have become is where I draw the line. That I should know my self worth & never compromise that for anyone.
You taught me that I won’t give up on my version of a fairytale. That I’m a hopeless romantic and in 2019, with the hookup-ghosting-I’ll just swipe someone else culture, it’s exhausting but I still find the silver lining. Bringing back my high school sweetheart showed me (with evidence from 14 years ago) that I still love the same way; heart on my sleeves and always ready to put in effort. It’s something I love about myself & hopefully, someone will find that part of me easy to love too instead of telling me I love too much. It’s the only way I know how.
You taught me that my love language is effort & words of affirmation, and because of it, I speak that language too. That I love it when someone speaks their mind, communicates with me through the good and the bad, without the emotional and mental games – just raw honesty. That I love it when people sets their priorities right, make effort and genuinely care. I’m here for those who pull the magic out of me & not the madness. My love language is when people’s words align with their actions & for these people, I’ll forever be thankful for your unconditional love & existence.
You taught me that sometimes life gets incredibly unpredictable & I should just let life happen without following a narrative of what I think it should be. That sometimes letting loose isn’t a bad thing, and that I should be able to let myself have fun without constantly worrying about the future. These last two weeks have made my heart so light that even if it was short lived, it was worth it. For this new experience, no words can explain just what it’s done for me.
Goodbye, 2019. Through the ups and downs of 12 months, I now have more patterns to unlearn, wounds to heal, places to explore & magic to experience. It wasn’t all bad between us, we had some pretty good memories that’s worthy of being mentioned & I’ll remember those as I do these lessons.
Here’s to starting a new relationship with 2020 & making the best of it.